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The Good Divorce - How to Have One

by Sheila Gutterman J.D., M.A. and Diana L. Powell, J.D.
You can't change the fact that divorce, today, like birth, death, taxes and marriage, is a cultural phenomenon. In the United States, 52% of first marriages and 62% of second marriages end in divorce. The greeting card images of warmth and loving families are not the reality for many, many families. Some argue that there is no such thing as a good divorce. The reality is that people in unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships often conclude they have no choice but to divorce. And, different parties choose, based on the specific facts of their case, different ways to divorce. Here are a few ideas, which should help your family have a "good divorce" -
  1. Choose an attorney who is an "advocate" for you. While it is critical that your attorney know the caselaw. statutes and rules governing family law, he or she must also understand your interests. It is alright to have an attorney that pushes you to reconsider your positions, and that will happen with any good attorney. The main quality for a well-chosen advocate is that your attorney must truly understand the technicalities of your case, your needs and the dynamics of your family.
  2. Acknowledge that you need to take care of yourself. During divorce, you are likely to be preoccupied, forgetful, clumsy and accident-prone. You need to create a health-promoting environment around you. Take a walk, go to movies, have meals with friends; do more of what you like to do that is healthy, both physically and spiritually.
  3. Stay in the present. If your spouse wants a divorce and refuses to work on the marriage, then you must face that reality. This is not the year to dwell on the past nor worry over the future. Dwelling on the past is non-productive. Whether earlier times with your "ex" were wonderful or terrible, you will not find it helpful to mull them over constantly. Now is the time to make new traditions for yourself and your family.
  4. Be the adult parent for your children. The parental divorce involves a deliberate decision to keep conflict away from your children. The divorce may be disruptive and cause internal struggles within your child. Work with your situation. Feel the courage to use professionals, such as therapists, should you feel that this is what your children require. Remember that the goal is for the children to remember your support of them during their childhood.
  5. In the spousal divorce, feelings of hurt and anger are rampant. Try not to discuss the divorce with a soon to be former family member or mutual friend. Don't be shocked if you are treated, by some, as an "ex human being". Also, don't assume that the discomfort of this time will plague your future.
  6. Acknowledge that you will have mood swings. Treat the ups and downs as a normal component of the divorce process. Avoid excessive use of alcohol or drugs, other than what you have used previously in appropriate ways. The reality is that alcohol and medication can act as a depressant or stimulant and greatly cloud your judgment. (Your high school health teacher was right.)
  7. Choose to be a survivor. With any trauma, you have a choice between being a survivor or a victim. The challenge of divorce can actually make you stronger, if you choose survival. To be a survivor, you must stop processing and reprocessing the same old stuff. We know it is not easy to stop digging through the remains of your feelings, but that is what must be done.
  8. Think positively about your future. This time in your life presents wonderful opportunities for reflection and personal growth. You are now free to guide your own destiny, based on what is meaningful to you. Think about the things you always wanted to do. The divorce process, painful as it can be, also is a liberation to make plans that suit your interests, needs and personality. Think about creating a better, smaller living space, regenerating, reenergizing, gaining both health and perspective---one step at a time.
  9. Have Fun. Think of what makes you smile...get away from the intensity. Give yourself some space to have a good time. You are not betraying your sorrow at saying good-bye to a failed marriage if you actually have some fun.
  10. Remember, you have an entire lifetime to deal with the changes in your life. It is not necessary to force yourself to get every emotional issue handled right now. Take time to give peace to yourself, so you will have the strength to give peace to others.
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